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I am not having a “burst of Supreme-Femininity” today! March 9, 2010

Posted by sara9mm in On topic Post feed.
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Sorry this blog is a day late.

Today 3/8/2010 I woke up at 6:45am and felt good about myself. Then a few hours went by and I realized something. I am not having a “burst of Supreme-Femininity”. Which brings me to wonder how am I to gage my femininity if it does not rein over my whole day.

“However, why should I even be trying to gage the fluid ideology of femininity” I wonder.

However, I digress, Today has felt like a purely unquantifiable day to me and it seems at first glance my question will truly never have an answer. Although, when I circle back to the beginning of my day I start to see a quantifiable pattern not only to my everyday routine but also to a further understanding of my own gender identity.

Does this relate to the second part of my question I don’t know. What I do know is I must keep trudging on until I get that Solid-Conclusive Answer.

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A Burst of Supreme-Femininity March 6, 2010

Posted by sara9mm in On topic Post feed, transgendered.
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    So yesterday, I felt overly like a women no joke not in a female impersonator sort of way mind you but in a very feminine way. I am totally not sure what to think about it. Although, when I do have a burst of Supreme-Femininity it overtakes my whole being.  Just so you know I have noticed these bursts have been going on every so many months since…. I hit puberty lasting only a day or two at a time. However, since about 19 y.o  they have been lasting anywhere from  two days up to a whole week.   
Inner-Monolog: “Huh, Am I talking in a higher pitched feminine voice when I reread for mistakes” I ask myself. “I guess I am oh wow” I say answering myself.   
    To clarify my bursts take over everything about me slight of taking over my transcending interests (ie. Music, liquor, tv, politics, religion   ect.). You see when I say everything I mean everything that would make me socially accepted as a women (except for my physicality anyway) consciously and unconsciously. Yes, unconsciously which is something I am always worried about. The reason I am worried about it is because I have in the past been mistaken for a gay man and that is just not who I am. Another  more pressing reason is because I am still not ready to transgress through a path openly. So every so often when around other people I do these little internal checks I call “Quiet Little Man Checks”.  My Quiet Little Man Checks go like this: I pause, take a deep breath, quickly (inside my head mind you) tell myself everything is going to be ok, I take another breath and go into a masculine persona as best I can. Thankfully, no one has ever truly noticed my “Quiet Little Man Checks”  and when they do notice I am doing something I usually tell them It’s nothing or seg-way into a conversation about some other topic. In the end I always must be aware of these burst of supreme-Femininity. So I may stay in stealth mode until I’m sure on how to act on them.

A piece of my back story March 5, 2010

Posted by sara9mm in About, Me in informational posts, On topic Post feed.
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A piece of my back story
For all my readers I live in the United States of America.
I must tell you my readers that I am 22 y.o, I live at home and I am unemployed.  Yes, I live at home jobless with My mother and here Boyfriend. 
“hummphhff” I sigh in a lamenting tone.
Well.. Technically, I have not yet left home. I haven’t left home yet because with whom I live, we all decide it more economical for me to live at home while attending college. I live in a mid-sized city with a State university, City university and a Multi-campus county wide Community college not to mention about three (that I know of from their TV ads anyway) small ass expensive privet for  profit collages.  So needless to say, I live at home.  
         Although when attending classes( at the sweet awesome rad community college) I was doing fine at first until  the awesome parting began long story short I fell  just below a 2.0 ,one class and I’m out of academe. probation,  and I ended up on academic probation. Which is bs because all the money I was getting for school was free from the government (the 2.0 thing is a school only policy not a policy of the U.S.A government). So I went to school the following semester on my mother’s money and rather  then continue to have her spend large ass sums of money. I decided not to quit but to just not attend classes (spring semester 2009!) to get a job. Little did I know that the economy was going to go booommm crash and recover so slowly that it seems to be getting worse. On the bright side, we did get a half black president out of it. So my goal of starting out a McD’s then moving up in the job market failed and so did my attempt to get a job anywhere else. You see where I live unlike other places most folks went broke or uber stingy after the crash. So I am now reading up on IT cert. books (which  my wonderful mother and her bf already have and have also purchased for me) like a+, mcp et cetera to hopefully pass those expensive ass for profit tests to get a piece of paper  to get me a better than min wage job.
So that’s a little piece of my back-story.